this giant love

dear smoochie,

after a month of waiting, daddy's surgery date is finally scheduled: september 19. two doctors will operate on daddy. one will work on fixing up daddy's lower parts, and the other will look at daddy's liver with a little camera he'll put through a small opening in daddy's tummy. another doctor will use ultrasound to take pictures of daddy's liver just in case there is any cancer there too small for the camera to see. if the doctors find anything, and if it's just in a few small spots, the doctor operating on the liver will remove the parts of the liver where the cancer is growing.

while this is happening, i will be at the hospital in the waiting room. daddy's operation isn't until the afternoon, so we'll take you to daycare in the morning and your cousin teja will pick you up and take you home for your walk, dinner, and bed. i can already feel how much i will miss you that day, but i will be home not too long after you go to sleep, and we will see each other when you wake up again.

little smoochie, i don't know what to expect. right now is a happy time. even though the doctors gave us bad news in june, daddy has been feeling very well lately, and he looks good, too. he has been taking really good care of himself, going for long walks every day, eating lots of fruits and vegetables, drinking fresh organic juices, avoiding sugar, and learning to RELAX. he has actually started to meditate. it is easy to think that daddy is fine and we will all live happily ever after.

september 19 might smash that happy picture into a million little bits.

every day we love you more and you love us more. it doesn't seem possible, but somehow this giant love is always able to grow just a little bit bigger. when you first see your daddy in the morning you laugh with delight. if you can get near enough to touch his scruffy cheeks, you like to pat and pat them.

my heart feels warm and brave, and also still and frozen. it sounds like a contradiction, but in life's logic it makes sense. you will see.

ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma

dear snuggle pie,

you have started calling me by name: ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma

three times today:

at 4am you woke up wanting to eat. at first you just cried, but when i tried to wait it out and see if you'd go back to sleep, you started calling my name. i got up and gave you the milk you wanted while we rocked together in the dark.

this afternoon i picked you up from daycare. you were hanging tough until i got there, sitting on the floor and playing with some toys. as soon as you saw me, though, you started to cry. ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma you said, until i picked you up and kissed your face all over like a thousand stars kissing the moon.

tonight, after your bath. you were lying on your changing table, almost snapped into your jammies. you started getting antsy, rubbing your face, letting me know you were ready to go to bed. you looked at me with your galactic eyes and pleaded, ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma.

baby bear, baby bear. keep calling to me, baby bear. i will feed you, love you, and put you to bed again and again. tomorrow and the next day and the next. that's what ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-mas are for.

tomorrow, next week, next month

dear little bear,

i have not forgotten about you. you know that, of course. we spend lots of time together. but these letters--i haven't forgotten. there is just so much to do, and i am so tired.

i keep thinking tomorrow, next week, next month will be better. sometimes it is, often it isn't. we will just keep waking up each day together, and the telling will happen when the time is right.

the good life

dear mr. chubs,

before you were born, before you were even a single cell in my womb, i wondered if bringing you into the world was the right thing to do. humans have created a lot of problems, and we don't seem to know how to solve them. you were born, though, and with your birth the question of your inheritance was laid to rest. you have inherited the shortsightedness of many generations along with the responsibility for a continuing future of living things on a living planet.

now that you are here, i wish you these things:

may your weather patterns be stable
may you find a place for yourself among the crowd
may you have access to wild places to renew your spirit
may you share the land, water, and sky with organisms of every kind in copious abundance
may the world around you get cleaner, purer, more radiant
may your forests grow in abundance
may your oceans, lakes, and rivers teem with fat fish
may your necessary engines continue to run
may your essential roads remain navigable
may your waters run freely
may your lands remain fertile
may you feel connected to you friends, your family, your neighbors, your countryfolk, and all citizens of the world
may you live peacefully and lovingly amidst difference
may you have less desire to possess goods, and more desire to be good

my sweet little bear, i wish you a long life and i wish you a good life and i hope those two wishes are compatible.

snapshots

1) you finish nursing and fling your head back. way, way back. now you sigh. now you sleep.

2) i such my cheeks in to make a fish face. you are sitting in your high chair. you laugh out loud.

3) you are in your exersaucer (or your jumperoo, or sitting on the floor, or on my lap) watching your daddy. you watch and watch him. when will he look at you? when will he finally look?