worth it

dear munchkin pants,

i just spent the last two hours glazed over in front of the t.v. trying to pretend that i could avoid my responsibilities. eventually, though, i had to lumber into the kitchen to do a load of wash, scrub your bottles for loading into the dishwasher, and clean the accessories i need to pump breast milk for you, which i am doing right now as you sleep.

today daddy and i saw dr. b. we got to her office just in time for daddy's 10:30 appointment, and then we waited until almost noon to see her. i actually fell asleep with my head on the exam table while we waited, and groggily believed i was in your room (as i so often am, half asleep, in the middle of the night), and that the sound of daddy's book pages rustling was the sound of your window blinds rippling in the wind. waking up in the doctors' office was a bit of a shock.

everything dr. b. told us should be considered good news. she confirmed that daddy's most recent pet scan showed no signs of cancer, and said that neither she nor any of the other members of the tumor board that met to discuss daddy's case could explain this fact. since daddy only had two folfox treatments and three of the cetuximab, she hypothesized that daddy might just be exquisitely sensitive to the cetuximab. "exquisitely" was her word, I am just repeating.

the next step, dr. b. said, is surgery. daddy will have his ostomy reversed by dr. v., and at the same time dr. w. will do an exploratory surgery on daddy's liver. if he finds any cancer there, he can remove it right then as long as it is not extensive. she said that the surgery would probably start out laparoscopic, but could be switched to a bigger incision if their findings indicate a need. so that part is kind of scary. we asked for a consultation with dr. w. so we can get our questions answered. but we will probably have a surgery date scheduled within the week.

one thing i should emphasize is that dr. b. told us that daddy is in the best possible place he could be, in terms of his current status. two months ago he had a large portal vein thrombosis in his liver and a pet/ct scan showing cancer spread to his liver and a possible recurrence in the pelvis. his more recent pet/ct scan shows no portal vein thrombosis and no cancer. and daddy is feeling really good. so there are lots of reasons to feel positive.

truth be told, though, tonight i feel kind of sad. daddy and i have had a month of relative normalcy and it's hard to go back to thinking of him as a cancer patient. i am worrying already about how i will be able to do more around the house while he recovers. he won't be able to lift you for a while after the surgery, so i'll need to take you to and from daycare, bathe and diaper you, etc. of course most of this i do already anyway, but daddy will need extra help, too. just thinking about that makes me tired.

after the doctor today i had to work. i worked from home and picked you up from daycare about an hour later than usual. you were so tired you napped almost until bedtime, then you fussed through your carrots and your bath (which i ended after about 3 minutes). while i put on your pajamas, you cried harder than i've heard you cry in a long time. i felt bad. but then you nursed and went to sleep easily, and in the morning you'll be chipper as ever.

i love going into your room in the morning and seeing you smile at me from your crib. it makes getting up worth it.