fate or luck or god or karma

dear little bear,

it wasn't long ago that you were purely hypothetical. now you are six months old. there is so much i want to remember about this time, so much i want to tell you. i've decided to just start writing it down.

i'd like to start at the beginning, but i don't know what counts as the beginning. i'll just start with today and eventually we’ll get to it all, i'm sure.

a little story i heard from big miss d when i picked you up from daycare tonight: you were sucking away on your binky earlier in the day, very happy, when another baby decided he wanted it and pulled it out of your mouth. instead of complaining, you just grabbed your binky right back, popped it into your mouth for a minute, and then held it up and circled your wrist around as if to say, "see, i have it now." your personality is starting to reveal itself, and you already have a good sense of humor.

tomorrow after we drop you off at daycare, daddy and i are going to see daddy's oncologist. for you it will be like any other day, but for us it will change things in some way. we will hear about some plan for the future, something that the doctors think is the best course of action for keeping daddy alive. not long ago we thought it would be liver surgery, but daddy's last pet/ct scan threw all that into question. now it could be that they want to go straight to chemo, or maybe first they'll do his ostomy takedown. (when you're old enough to read this, i'll explain about that.)

whatever it is, it will probably not be nothing. it will be one more thing we have to adjust to. daddy and i have both gotten pretty good at adjusting to whatever it is that the doctors tell us. we’ve had a lot of practice these last 11 months since the doctors told us daddy had colorectal cancer. the hardest part for me is not speculating: will my little bear grow up with his dad, or without his dad? if you grow up with your dad, will you always be as great together as you are now? if you grow up without your dad, will i be able to give you everything you need?

i hope you know i am not talking about material things. but no matter how many other people love you, and no matter how much, there is no substitute for a father who loves you. and your daddy really loves you. he is gentle with you. he plays guitar for you and sings to you and changes your diaper and gives you baths. he takes you for walks in your stroller so you can nap. he feeds you your bottle and spoons mushy baby food into your mouth and burps you and soothes you when you cry.

that is the love you deserve, and that is the father you deserve, and i hope that fate or luck or god or karma (or whatever you want to call the force that moves the world) gives it to you for keeps.