a brief history of you, part 2

dear small fry,

as soon as we learned that daddy had cancer, we flew into action. it was a wednesday. we arranged to have daddy seen at the mayo clinic the following week and we bought plane tickets for that saturday. daddy found subs for some jobs he hadcoming up. we asked friends to watch the cats. i saw the doctor to be sure it was okay for me (and you) to fly. i found someone to fill in for me at work and trained her as best i could over the phone while i packed.

one of the things i packed for our trip was a plastic figurine of an elephant. (i kept a bunch of plastic animals on my dresser just for fun.) that elephant seemed to have great strength and wisdom. i knew i would have to be strong for daddy and for you, and i needed someone or something to be strong for me. it may sound silly to you, but i was counting on the elephant.

the first week we stayed with your auntie maja in wisconsin. daddy had to have a lot of tests, and maja drove us back and forth to the clinic every day. she knew that we both needed a peaceful place to be while going through the turmoil of that first week, and her house is out in the country and very relaxed. daddy and i were both in shock, but i was also exhausted from being pregnant with you. maja knew how hard it was for me and she went of her way to take care of me and let me rest.

at mayo, we first met with a doctor who explained about daddy's cancer. he said it was a stage 3b cancer. that meant that the cancer had grown through the rectum wall and was in some of daddy's lymph nodes as well. then he said they were going to do some testing to find the exact location of the tumor. the treatment plan would depend on that detail. the colonoscopy report didn't clearly identify the location, and the difference of a centimeter in one direction or the other would be the difference between daddy having surgery right away (and going home in a couple of weeks) or having to go through radiation and chemo first.

that week daddy had bloodwork and a CT scan and an ultrasound and a chest xray and several other tests. we met with the surgeon, dr. p, on the friday before labor day weekend, almost exactly a year ago. he came into the room and told us that despite all the high tech testing they still weren't 100% sure about the location of the tumor and he wanted to do a manual exam. daddy left with him, and about fifteen minutes later maja and i met with daddy and dr. p and some of his associates.

dr. p told us that the tumor was too low in daddy's gi tract for them to operate right away. daddy would have to have two months of radiation and chemo to shrink the tumor enough for the operation to be successful. i thought i might finally cry in front of daddy and the doctors at that point, but i was determined not to. i felt my face get hot from holding back the tears. dr. p could see the change in me. he softened a bit and said how hard he knew it was to hear what he was telling us. i looked over at daddy and he was sitting with his legs and arms crossed. his face was very pale.

we asked dr. p if daddy could do the treatments at home, and he told us that daddy could do the chemo anywhere, but that they were extremely skilled with the radiation treatments at mayo so we should do the treatments there. daddy said yes right away. i knew i would stay, too, but i didn't know how we would manage.

we knew we could stay with your auntie teca and uncle greca, but staying so long would be a hardship for us. we had left in such a rush, thinking we would be back in two or three weeks, that we had only packed a few summer outfits. now it was fall and the weather was turning. we also had to work out a catsitting plan. our friends jero and kaste had agreed to look after them for a couple of weeks, but we didn't have a backup plan for a longer stay. i would also have to work if we were staying so long. between the physical exhaustion i felt from being pregnant and the emotional exhaustion i felt from daddy's cancer diagnosis, the idea of working seemed impossible.

somehow we would get through it.

that holiday weekend seemed to last forever. daddy started radiation and chemo the tuesday after labor day. i had a laptop sent from work and set up an office space in the basement where we were staying. i would cook daddy breakfast in the morning, drive him to and from his treatments every day, make him a healthy lunch, and then do a half day's work in the afternoon and evening. at least once or twice a week i would also make dinner for teca and greca and your cousin maca. this was partly because i wanted to contribute to the household as long as they were generous enough to let us stay, and partly because i wanted to be sure daddy ate as many organic, plant-based meals as possible.

as all this was happening, you grew bigger and bigger in my belly. day and night i could feel you turning and squirming.

when we walked into the radiation waiting room each day, i could people's pity (most of the other patients getting radiation treatments were much, much older than daddy). poor young guy with cancer. his poor pregnant wife. it was the same when we went for his chemo treatments. the nurses were the exception--they just asked when the baby was due and congratulated us and acted like it was all the most normal thing in the world. i loved that about the nurses.

at the end of october, after what seemed like forever, we got to go home. the very same morning that daddy finished his chemo, we got on a plane and flew home. daddy and i had SO much to do to get ready for you, and only one month until we had to go back to mayo for his surgery. after his surgery he wouldn't be able to lift anything for six weeks, so we had to get everything done before we went back to minnesota.

we were SO busy that month, going back to our jobs and also preparing for your arrival. but we were happy. for a little while life seemed normal.

we moved the desk and computer to the guest room so you could have the bedroom next to ours. we got you a crib and daddy put it together for you. packages started arriving in the mail. one, two, three a day. so many things! i used to stand in your room surrounded by your clothes and toys, trying to imagine what it would be like when you were there with us. what your room would feel like with you in it. hard as i tried, i couldn't imagine it. i couldn't imagine you.

thinking back to those times, it's hard to remember what it was like before i knew you. haven't your giggle and cries and your big personality always been part of my life?