hello again

little bear,

it's been a long time since i last wrote. you are not so little anymore. you are 10 years old, a long-haired boy, an actor, a drummer, a daydreamer.

i had almost forgotten about these writings. reading them over again brought back floods of good memories, despite how hard things were at times.

i want to come back to you here, but everything will be different. you are different. i am different. the world is different.

or maybe it's not so different after all.

dad was out working tonight and you came into my office shortly after going to bed, saying, "i need you." your old bedtime mantra.

"what's going on?" i asked.

"i'm scared of dying."

"go back to bed and think about something else," i said. "i'll be in in a few minutes."

then i grilled myself, yet again, about whether my pragmatic response, which has become my norm, was more tough love or lack of compassion.

when i arrived bedside a little while later, i couldn't see anything in the dark. i reached out and found your foot. you laughed. i laid down next to you and you said, "i'm thinking about something else now." and you were fine. i kissed you and said all the usual bedtime stuff as i backed out of your room thinking maybe i'm not so heartless after all.