:)

fun one,

last night we were lying on your bed goofing around and i made you laugh so hard you got hiccups.

i love laughing with you.

xo

hello again

little bear,

it's been a long time since i last wrote. you are not so little anymore. you are 10 years old, a long-haired boy, an actor, a drummer, a daydreamer.

i had almost forgotten about these writings. reading them over again brought back floods of good memories, despite how hard things were at times.

i want to come back to you here, but everything will be different. you are different. i am different. the world is different.

or maybe it's not so different after all.

dad was out working tonight and you came into my office shortly after going to bed, saying, "i need you." your old bedtime mantra.

"what's going on?" i asked.

"i'm scared of dying."

"go back to bed and think about something else," i said. "i'll be in in a few minutes."

then i grilled myself, yet again, about whether my pragmatic response, which has become my norm, was more tough love or lack of compassion.

when i arrived bedside a little while later, i couldn't see anything in the dark. i reached out and found your foot. you laughed. i laid down next to you and you said, "i'm thinking about something else now." and you were fine. i kissed you and said all the usual bedtime stuff as i backed out of your room thinking maybe i'm not so heartless after all.

more than

tonight at bedtime you were tired.  a big day of camp under your belt.  you were sweet talking me with baby talk.  "you more than just my mom.  you more.  you my love."  melt.  hug. 

our brains

dear little bear,

 today you said something like this to me as we were walking into the house after school: "i'm always thinking of a million ways to do things all at once." and I said: "i know what you mean. my brain works that way, too."

 we have signed you up for catholic kindergarten. you seem to want to go there. i have doubts about the wisdom of it, but i like how much it has to offer academically. we shall see. i've been thinking about which school to send you to obsessively for the last nine months, and it's time to roll with our decision now. we can always reconsider in the spring. i love you to the sky and back, and to the sky again and back again, over and over and over forever.

dear one

dear one,

you are five. sleeping in your big bed. you are a yellow belt now. you are starting kindergarten in the fall, and are worried about it.

i stopped writing because i stopped knowing what to say. perhaps i am just tired. i don't know where it came from before, back when i knew how.

your daddy is doing well. i don't know what to say to him anymore either.

i do know what to say to you in real life. i've enjoyed playing with you and reading you harry potter and taking you to the museum and making mystery boxes for you and tiny books and all the other wonderful things.

love is only everything.

xo

thank you for your service

dear little big boy,

tonight you broke my heart. when you and i got back from m's poetry reading at l's house, you discovered that daddy wasn't going to be home before bedtime and you started to cry. "i miss my daddy!" you said. "i miss my daddy!" i hugged you and reminded you that you had time with him today and would see him in the morning, but you became more upset and shouted tearfully, "my daddy's the helpfulest daddy and the funniest daddy and the nicest daddy of all the daddies and i miss him!" i was trying to make us some dinner. it was late, approaching bedtime, and we hadn't eaten a proper meal--just snacks (you had 3 twizzlers, a chocolate covered strawberry and some crackers). you had been asking me to snuggle with you on the couch, which i said i would do as soon as the pizza was out of the oven. so while our pizza overbrowned, we called daddy and left a message on his voice mail asking him to call if he could between sets.

we sat down on the couch and i said, "i'd really like some strawberries. how bout you"? you said, "me too," and so we got our strawberries and overbrowned pizza from the kitchen and went back to the couch to distract ourselves with a disney movie for a few minutes until bedtime. daddy called and you became tearful again. "i didn't know you wouldn't be home until late!" you accused, "and i miss you!"

the disney movie turned out to be "the wild", and the part we saw was about a lion cub that got into some trouble. his dad went after him to save him. we watched just a few minutes and went up to your room to get ready for bed. on the way upstairs you told me, "i feel like my daddy is lost." you said it a couple of times. i asked you when you started to feel that way and you said today. "i don't know why i started to feel like daddy is lost," you said. but you also said the song at the end of kung fu panda made you sad--and you'd watched that movie with daddy in the afternoon.

i was pretty sure i knew what you meant about daddy being lost. i think you were feeling that your daddy is going to die, and that it's not fair because you love him so much. i'm not sure if you were thinking "die", but do i believe you were thinking that you would be separated from him forever. what i told you is that daddy drove over the bridge to san francisco, to a building with a club in it, and there he would play some songs along with some other singer-songwriters. at the end of the night, i said, he would get back into his car and drive back over the bridge to our house and sleep in his own bed. but before going to sleep in his bed, he would come into your room to give you a kiss and tell you that he loves you.

this seemed to make you feel better. i then told you that i do the same thing every night before bed. that i come into your room and kiss you and tell you that i love you. and if your blanket needs straightening i do that, too. i said, "daddy and i both do this every night because we love you so much." and you said, "and i don't even wake up!"

i laid down next to you to help you get to sleep. i thought it might take a while. and as you laid down next to me you threw your arm around me and said, "thank you for your service." i laughed and you laughed, and by the time i left your room you were sleeping quietly in your big bed, ready tomorrow for your first official day of "pre-k".

i want you to know that i am rooting for you and for daddy and for me, my sweet one. i am rooting for us all.

revelations

you: when i first came to live at your house i thought it would always be daytime.

me: you remember coming home the first time?

you: [nod and smile]