friendly faces

dear little muffin,

yesterday morning when i dropped you at daycare, you saw a little girl getting out of another car and you waved at her and very brightly said "hi!". that's something i really like about you: you have always been a friendly guy.

today, i stopped at the grocery store on my way to pick you up and felt myself surrounded by friendly faces. everywhere i looked i saw people who looked like potential friends--kind, fun, and funny souls. i don't feel like that very often, but when i do it's a great feeling, like the world is an open, safe place, rich and welcoming. i hope you will see the world that way as you get older. good things just waiting to happen.

you are changing constantly, transforming right before my eyes.

you now have the beginnings of two teeth. one is about half arrived, and it's neighbor has shown up fashionably late and is just sticking it's foot through the door.

you can stand by yourself now, entirely unsupported, for a surprising number of seconds before you teeter and drop onto your cushiony bottom. but only when you feel like it; never on demand.

you are very chatty. you have mastered mama, dada, nana, baba, and are now working on your g's. gaga and goo goo, etc. you can say ball ("ba"), you try to say diaper ("di"), and one day even tried to repeat after me when i said tylenol ("ty-o"). you say kitty ("ditty"). you say hi. you say yeah. and i'm pretty sure you've started shaking your head no and nodding yes, and that those motions in response to questions are not just coincidence.

you continue to be a wet and sloppy kisser, and when you kiss (sweetly suck/slobber on) my chin (always giggling) you seem to enjoy exercising your new teeth.

so much has happened since i last wrote. it's too much to begin to tell.

yesterday daddy had a liter of fluid drained from around his right lung. he seems to feel better now that he has more breathing room. he said the fluid looked like iced tea, and i'm glad i no longer drink iced tea or i'd probably just have had that pleasure permanently spoiled. we are waiting for the lab report now to find out if the fluid shows signs of infection or cancer.

it has been a long and difficult month for daddy and me. daddy rests when he's tired, but i've discovered a new kind of fatigue, a kind of tiredness that sees no end in sight. the words "no rest for the weary" often come to mind as i go about my days.

even still, i feel a remarkable amount of friendliness in the world much of the time. it leaves me hopeful. and i hope that hopefulness is something i can impart to you. or better, i hope your hopefulness comes from within, like a bubbling spring, requiring no effort from you, for all of your days.

10 months old

dear baby bear,

tomorrow you will be 10 months old.

you don't seems like a baby so much anymore. you're more like a very small boy now.

when i spend a lot of time with you i forget how small you are. then i see you from a distance and i'm surprised.

your first tooth has finally arrived. by arrived i mean that if i rub my finger over your bottom gum, i feel a sharp edge. i still can't see the tooth, but i think it's because you won't open your mouth for me to have a look. all in good time.

i am having more fun with you than ever. i love to play with you on the living room floor. we have all kinds of games: snuggle games and peekaboo games and kissing games and pattycake games and clapping games. you get the picture.

you also really like it when i gallop around the house with you in my arms, whinnying like a horse. the best part, you seem to think, is when i make horse snorting noises and stomp my hooves. you laugh out loud for my snorting and stomping antics.

you're a fast crawler now. when i leave you in the living room for a minute and walk to the kitchen, i can hear the thunk-thunk of your racing crawl on the hardwood floors behind me. you love to pull yourself up to standing by holding on the chair and couch. then you make your way as far as you can before you run out of support. you pull up on the piano bench to play your version of chopsticks (you can just reach the piano keys). you usually play piano in the morning, early, before daddy and the neighbors are up. ;)

you've been saying da da da a lot. i think you miss spending mornings with daddy before going to daycare. you had a lot of fun playing with daddy this morning, though, and i know he can't wait to hold you and play with you more as he starts to feel better and better.

what a rose tells my nose

dear little pumpkin,

happy first halloween. you went to daycare today in a little pumpkin suit with a leafy green hat. your teachers loved your costume.

daddy got home on friday and is doing well. he's been very tired and resting a lot, but every day he feels a little bit better. he has been going for walks every day and is now able to walk for a good distance--i would guess about half a mile or maybe a little bit more.

your auntie elta is gone and uncle jogr is here now. he has been doing lots of cooking for daddy, very nutritious and tasty meals.

i took you for our usual afternoon walk today. on the way home, tired, i stopped to smell a yellow rose. it revived me.

what a rose tells my nose: this moment, right now, is okay.

worn out, tired, dragged down. but elta's here.

dear booey,

daddy had a fever on saturday night. we had to go to the emergency room. i got you out of bed around 12:30 am. kast met us at the hospital, took you home, and put you back to bed.

i stayed up all night with daddy at the hospital. he had a ct scan that showed a large abscess near his liver and another one near his pancreas. he was admitted to the hospital and today he had the abscesses drained. it was a very painful procedure, but he is on the mend.

i have been unbearably tired after staying up all night in the emergency room and then coming home to you just when you woke up. after feeding you and getting your cousin teja to come over and stay with you, i went right back to the hospital.

last night i was hoping for solid sleep, but you woke up crying three times. it was hard for you to be woken up in the middle of the night and go home with kast. all night long you called for mama in your sleep. then when i left the next morning again you took it hard. so you needed some extra mommy time. when you woke up crying last night i was too tired to think or even look at the clock, so i just nursed you each time whether you needed it or night. it only occurred to me afterward that i could have just calmed you and gone back to bed.

you are in the middle of a big growth spurt. pulling yourself up, eating a ton, and sleeping hard. you have started taking some formula each day, which is a good insurance policy amidst all this chaos. now i can stop worrying about making enough milk for you. especially if i can't pump enough some days.

your auntie elta is visiting for the week. she is helpful in every way. she makes you smile and laugh. and she vacuums, too.

a yummy oatmeal recipe

dear snuggie,

daddy is home and doing well and i am terribly relieved. but let's leave it at that. i want to tell you about oatmeal. it's really good for you. here's a recipe you might enjoy making for yourself one day.

no-sugar, super-healthy oatmeal
-1/2 c. rolled oats
-1 c. water
-1/2 jarred peach (chopped) with 1/2 c. liquid (juice sweetened)
-2 T. dried fruit (chopped if needed; apricots or figs are very good)
-2 T. chopped raw unsalted almonds (or other nuts)
-cinnamon to taste
-unsweetened soy or nut milk

put oats and water together in a saucepan. bring to a boil, then cover and simmer until thick. in another small saucepan, heat peach liquid, peach, and dried fruit. add fruit mixture to oats. add cinnamon to taste. top with unsweetened soy or nut milk. enjoy!

daddy did great

dear crawler,

daddy was very brave going into surgery today. the surgeons were able to get all the detectable cancer in his liver. they did not find any other cancer outside the liver. for the first time in months i feel really, truly hopeful.

tonight daddy is in intensive care. i am home with you now and will go back to the hospital tomorrow morning after i drop you at daycare.

your cousin teja took to you and from daycare today, and you had fun with her. i thought you might miss me when you woke up and i wasn't home, but when teja came into your room this morning you just laughed.

rotten

dear baby bear,

we all got really sick this week. last time i wrote i mentioned that you had vomited all over me. remember? you didn't seem to be feeling bad at all, so i wasn't even sure if you were sick, but i got the bug monday night and daddy got it on tuesday. i can't remember the last time we were so sick, and daddy and i have never been this sick at the same time in the 14 years we've been together.

still, thursday morning we showed up at the hospital for daddy's pre-surgery appointment. daddy had his ekg and his xray and his chat with the anesthesiologist, and then we were told that dr. b and dr. w wanted to see him. daddy had called dr. b the day before when he was so sick, to see if there was anything he could take for his bad headache that would be safe before surgery, but he'd never heard back.

we knew that they wanted to see daddy to find out how sick he was, and to see if it would be safe to operate. what we didn't know was that they had looked at one of his scans again--for some reason they missed this one the first time because he had two scans within a couple of weeks--and determined that there are more spots on daddy's liver than they'd thought.

earlier they said there were three or four spots, but now they are saying it looks like about six of them. doctor b. told us that if dr. w opens daddy up and finds there are more than 6 spots, he probably would just close daddy's incision without touching his liver and they would start in with chemo instead in a month or so after daddy has healed. that was some unsettling news. then we saw dr. w, who postponed the operation until tuesday because of the stomach bug. that part was better news, because daddy was in no shape for that kind of trauma to his body.

your auntie maja is her--she was already on the plane before we knew about the delay--staying at a motel for another night or two (just to be on the safe side). she fed you your dinner tonight while i took a very short nap.

daddy is feeling a lot better and gave you your bath tonight. i have a cold now. i still feel pretty rotten and i'm going to bed.